Love and Pain
by LivandElforlife
Summary: Olivia's run down appearance and additude sparks some concern from Elliot and Cragen. Little do they know, it's bigger than they imagined. EO. COMPLETE, unless you want it otherwise. Review !
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hoping this will turn into something bigger ! Reviews help a lot. The italics are thoughts. But there's none in this chapter.**

Olivia was sitting at her desk. She was the only one in the precinct since it was only six in the morning. She didn't get much sleep the night before and didn't want to sit in her apartment alone. Olivia was staring off, thinking about the past nine years at SVU and how her feelings for her partner grew into something it shouldn't have. She didn't even hear Cragen come into the precinct until he shook her shoulder.

"Olivia, are you ok?" he asked as he leaned up against her desk and studied her drained appearance.

"Yeah, Cap. Sorry, I guess I just zoned out again. It's not a big deal, I was just thinking." she replied as she rubbed her face and attempted to look more awake and alive than she actually felt.

"Olivia, you've been out of it lately. Is anything wrong?"

"No, Cap. Really it's just that I haven't been sleeping much that's all." Olivia said pretending to get interested in a file that she still needed to complete. Cragen didn't believe her but he decided just to let her be for the meantime and left to go into his office.

Cragen watched her from the window. Once he got into his office and the door was closed Olivia put her hands in her head and sighed. He hated seeing her like this but he couldn't do anything if he didn't know what was wrong. He decided to wait until Elliot arrived and ask him if he knew anything. Part of him knew he wasn't going to get anything out of Elliot if he knew something because he and Olivia were so close. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Come in."

It was Olivia looking shaky and definitely nothing like herself. "Hey Cap, I'm not feeling too good today so I think I'm just going to head out and go home."

Cragen was considering making her stay and talk to him but he decided against it when he saw Elliot walking over to his desk. "Ok, Olivia. But if you need anything you can call." Olivia just nodded and made her way back to her desk to grab her coat and keys.

"Hey, Liv. Are you ok?" Elliot asked as he sat down at his desk and looked up at her. Olivia didn't hear him and just walked through the doors and to the elevator, lost in her own thoughts. Elliot looked puzzled as he watched her getting on the elevator. He walked over to Cragen's door and knocked and opened it when he got an answer. "Hey Cap, what's going on with Liv?"

"I was actually hoping you could tell me. I know how close you guys are and I thought you would've noticed that she was a little off lately." he said putting his papers down and motioning for Elliot to sit in one of the chairs. Elliot sat and looked at Cragen.

"I thought it was just her time of the month or something but now that you mention it, it has been going on longer than it should - like if it was her time of the month" he clarified and Cragen nodded to show that he understood. "Do you think it's anything serious?"

"Well, Olivia is normally good with keeping her feelings and her emotions in check and when she can't it's mostly something too big to keep to herself even thought she tries." Cragen said. "I want you to keep an eye on her Elliot. Make sure she's ok. Olivia is like a daughter to me and you know that. I don't want her getting hurt so I'm giving you the day off to go over to her apartment and keep her company and figure out what's going on."

Elliot nodded but remained where he was. "What if it's something bigger than we can handle?" Elliot's mind was running rampant with thoughts of what could be bothering Olivia this much, many of them were not good and he didn't even want to think about them with Olivia.

"We'll handle it when we come to it, Elliot." Cragen said. He didn't admit it but he was having the same thoughts that Elliot was having, he just didn't want to confront them by saying them out loud. Elliot nodded and stood. He went back to his desk and hurried as he grabbed his coat and his keys. He was surprised when he didn't pass Munch or Fin as he was leaving.

Elliot drove to Olivia's favorite coffee/tea shop and got her a tea and himself a coffee. He parked in the first spot he found when he got to Olivia's apartment. He knew Olivia too well and knew that if he rang her doorbell she wouldn't let him in. Knowing this, he pulled out the key Olivia gave him for emergencies and opened the door. He pushed the button for the elevator and got in pushing the button for Olivia's floor. He knocked on her door but got no response. He put the key in the door and opened it slowly. At first he saw no one and wondered if she wasn't even here at all. Then he saw something out of the corner of his eye.

In the corner of the room he saw a small figure curled up into a ball shaking. He shut the door and put the drinks on the coffee table. He edged closer to Olivia trying not to alarm her. "Liv? Liv, honey are you ok?"

Olivia looked up at him and he saw her tear streaked face and her red rimmed eyes. He took it as a sign that it was safe to walk over to her and hug her. As soon as Elliot got close enough, Olivia buried her face in his chest. Olivia cried for what seemed like hours. Elliot settled into a comfortable position on the floor and rubbed her back in an attempt to calm her down. He thought he felt a liquid on his back but he brushed it off as sweat or tears from her hand. As her tears started to become less and less violent she pulled away a little.

"Why did you have to do that?" she asked as she tried to stand but ended up falling back down on top of Elliot.

"What do you mean, Liv?" he asked as he went to reach for her hand but she pulled it away before he could reach it.

"I mean why do you have to do _this_? Be so caring." Olivia successfully got up and stumbled to the bathroom. "There's an extra shirt in the closet, unless you like walking around with blood stains on you."

Elliot looked at his shirt and only saw tear stains and didn't know what she was talking about. Then he remember the liquid he thought he felt on his back earlier. He quickly pulled his shirt over his head and looked at the back. Sure enough, there was a big blood stain on it. He quickly got up and ran to the bathroom where Olivia was. "Liv, open up. I mean it. We have to talk."

"Why can't we just talk through the door?" she asked through tears. Elliot was scared that she was hurting herself even more and looked around for something that he could use to pick the lock with. He finally found a safety pin that was on the coffee table and started working on picking the lock. All the while, talking to her and trying to keep her from doing something stupid and trying to figure out what could make her so depressed.

**A/N: Elliot and Cragen find out what's been bothering Olivia so much in the next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot continued to maintain a conversation with Olivia while he tried to pick the lock into her bathroom. "Liv, what's going on?"

"Nothing Elliot." she managed to get out through the tears that were falling.

"Olivia, you're a horrible liar, now tell me. I'm your best friend." he half-laughed, as he heard the click signifying that he had successfully picked the lock. Elliot slowly opened the door and poked his head through, terrified of what he might see. He saw Olivia sitting on the corner of the bathtub with her hand wrapped in a, now blood stained, towel. He saw her face still streaked with tears and her eyes still red and swollen. Olivia turned away from Elliot as he edged closer. She tried to hide herself from him so he couldn't see her so broken. "Liv, tell me."

"What's wrong with me, Elliot?" she asked without turning back to face him.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you, Olivia. You're perfect. Why would you ever think there's something wrong with you?" he asked as he held her face and guided it so it was facing him, so that she had no choice but to look at him.

"All I do is cause people pain, Elliot. Like all those victims that I can't give justice. They have to walk around in fear and it's all because I couldn't do my job right. I cause the victims more pain and I caused my mother pain. I was a walking, daily reminder of her rape, Elliot. I mean who wouldn't hate me. Even I hate me." she was looking him directly in the eyes as she spoke. Elliot could see the pain seeping into every word that she spoke. All he wanted was to reach over and hug her but he restrained himself so he didn't scare her.

"Olivia, you've got it all wrong. You don't cause pain, you bring joy and hope and closure. Think about all the victims who can live in peace knowing that you put their rapists in jail. You do your job amazingly, I couldn't ask for a better partner. Your mother had problems of her own that she never worked through. None of that is your fault. Now, I do wish that I could go back in time and make everything she did to you go away, but I can't. She was too consumed in herself to realize the good thing she had. You're a good thing, Liv and I'm going to make you see that." Elliot couldn't stop himself any longer. He leaned over and hugged her tightly. Olivia was shocked by the hug but still accepted it warmly. She was in desperate need of physical contact.

"I have no idea what I did to deserve you, El." she whispered into his neck as they hugged.

Elliot pulled out of the hug and framed her face with his hands. "I think the real question is what did we do to deserve each other. I need you more than you think I do, Liv. And I care about you more than you could possibly imagine."

"I think I know exactly what you're talking about." Olivia said as she played with the hem of the towel that was still wrapped around her hand. She didn't want to take it off and see what she had done but knew she had to. It was almost as if Elliot was reading her mind.

"You don't have to take that off just yet." he said as he placed a hand over it. "Not unless it's still bleeding. But it doesn't look like it is."

Olivia smiled softly at him and stood up, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror. "Oh God, I look horrible." she said as she rubbed her hand over her face.

Elliot began laughing and she wrapped his arm around her shoulder and guided her out of the bathroom. He led her to the couch and sat down with his arm still protectively around her. He turned on the tv and they settled into a comfortable position on the couch. They sat for an hour before Elliot looked down and noticed that Olivia had fallen asleep. He laughed lightly to himself and scooped her up. He carefully carried her into the bedroom and set her down on the bed, taking off her shoes and tucking her under the covers. He looked down at her peacefully sleeping form and smiled to himself. He leaned over and whispered. "I love you, Liv, as more than a friend and more than you can possibly imagine."

To his surprise, Olivia rolled over and looked sleepily at him. "I told you that I knew exactly what you were talking about. I love you too."

Elliot watched her as she drifted back into a peaceful slumber. He stayed and watched her sleeping for a while before getting up to clean his shirt and the bathroom. He let the shirt soak in the kitchen sink as he went into the bathroom. He looked around and saw the piece of glass that Olivia had used, picked it up and threw it away. He went back to cleaning all the blood off of the floor and the sink. When he was all done, he went back into the kitchen and took the shirt out of the sink and put it on the coat rack in the hall before returning to make a pot of coffee for himself and tea for Olivia.

Olivia woke up to the sound of her tv on and to the smell of coffee. She looked around and remembered Elliot telling her that he loved her and her saying it back, but couldn't tell if it actually happened or if she was dreaming. She decided to play it safe and not mention it unless he did. She walked sleepily into the living room with the towel still wrapped loosely around her hand. She looked around and at first saw no one and thought that Elliot had left, then she looked in the kitchen and saw him in front of the stove stirring something. She smiled softly as she leaned up against the door frame to watch him. It wasn't long before Elliot spotted her and turned.

"Hey, how long have you been standing there?" he asked as he turned from the stove to face her while leaning on the counter.

"Long enough." she said as she smiled and walked over to the table to sit. "I never pegged you as the cooking type."

"Most people don't." he laughed as he turned back to the pot. "I hope you're hungry, I made spaghetti."

"Elliot Stabler, you definitely know the way to a woman's heart." she said laughing as he turned off the stove.

"So I've been told." he said as he turned and flashed her his famous Stabler grin.

They ate their food in an awkward silence. They were both remembering the towel still securely wrapped around Olivia's hand. They knew they had to talk about it but neither were willing to be the first to bring it up. After they were done eating and Elliot cleared the table, Olivia finally broke the silence.

"I guess I should go take this off now." she said as she avoided Elliot's gaze. She knew they would have to talk about it but she didn't want to.

"I'll help." he said as he guided Olivia out of the kitchen and into the bathroom with his hand firmly on the small of her back. Olivia shivered when he put his hand on her back and she felt her breath hitch in her throat. She warned herself to calm down as they walked into the bathroom. Olivia walked over to the bathtub and sat on the edge, still not looking up at Elliot.

She heard the water running and looked up, Elliot had turned on the sink and was waiting for Olivia. Olivia looked down at her hand and back at the running water, still not daring to look at Elliot. "It's ok, Liv." he said warmly when he sensed her uneasiness.

Olivia looked him in the eyes. She feared that she would find ridicule and that she wouldn't see the same Elliot she knew. Instead, she saw the same Elliot with the same caring eyes, only this time the eyes were much more intense and passionate. Olivia stood and walked over so she was standing in front of Elliot and the sink. She didn't break her gaze with Elliot as she walked over to him. Elliot wrapped his arm around her waist to show that he was there for her. Both looked away at the same time and back at the sink where Olivia had put her hand in. On her hand was a cut that was long in size but shallow. They both watched as the water fell over her hand and re-gathered in the sink.

Olivia sensed Elliot's eyes on her and she turned to look at him. At first she tried to avoid his gaze and just looked in his general direction, then Elliot brought his hand up to her face and cupped her face with his hand. Olivia closed her eyes before looking up into Elliot's eyes. She felt something in the room change. She couldn't figure out what it was until Elliot's lips came crashing onto hers. She was shocked by the kiss but returned it. One of Elliot's hands was entangled in Olivia's hair while the other was still around her waist pulling her closer to him. Olivia let her hands slide up to surround his neck and run through his hair. Elliot was the first to pull away from the kiss.

At first, Olivia thought he regretted the kiss and was going to apologize and run out, but instead he leaned over and turned the water off and took her good hand in his while walking into the living room. He guided her to the couch and sat before protectively wrapping his arms around her. "We need to talk, Liv."

Olivia looked down at her hand and back at Elliot. "I know."

"Tell me why you did it, Liv. There's more to it than your mom and thinking you're a horrible person. There's something that triggered this. Tell me what it was."

Olivia looked down and avoided Elliot's eyes once again. She didn't want to have to tell him what was really bothering her and she didn't want to have to say it out loud and hurt him. After a couple of minutes, she finally decided that she needed to tell him and that he was going to find out eventually. "You."

Elliot stared at her for a while. He couldn't figure out what to say. He was trying to think of anything that he could've done to make her do this. Elliot felt Olivia trying to get out of his grasp but tightened his arms around her so she couldn't leave. "No, Liv. I'm not letting you go, in more ways than one. Tell me what I did. I have to know."

Olivia looked into his eyes, she could see the pain in them. "It wasn't anything that you did, it was what you didn't do. Or at least something I thought you didn't do."

Elliot looked at her with confusion etched into every aspect of his face. He was trying to think of all the things he didn't do. Before he could say anything, Olivia continued talking. "It wasn't just that either. I was considering leaving SVU because I couldn't handle being around you everyday and working with you. I've already filled out the transfer papers but I was waiting to give them to Cragen. I didn't want to leave you, El. But I didn't think you felt the same way that I did."

Elliot opened his mouth to talk but Olivia put her finger over his mouth to silence him. "No, El. I have to say this. I've never loved someone as much as I love you and it scares me. I've never been so dependent on someone, especially not a man, until I met you. I was going to file my transfer papers and leave, hoping the feelings for you would go away when you weren't there. I honestly can't tell you how it escalated as far as it did because I don't know. My mind was on you and leaving you and then I started thinking about never seeing you again and it just became too much for me and I wanted a release. I wasn't expecting you to come and find me there and when you did it made me wish I didn't."

Elliot opened his mouth to talk and when Olivia didn't silence him he spoke. "Olivia, I ... I can't believe you would think I didn't love you. We've been partners for nine years and you're the only one I trust with anything. You shouldn't be afraid to be dependent on me, as much as you want to think you can, you can't do everything by yourself. Just because you need someone doesn't make you weak and it doesn't make anyone think any less of you. Trust me, most of the guys down at the precinct are terrified of you. To think that the feelings you have would go away if you left was wrong. They'll never go away, Liv. And even if you left, do you really think I would let you go without a fight? I went into Cragen's office when you didn't answer me and Cragen told me that you were feeling off so I came to check on you. I didn't know what I was going to find when I got here, Liv. But it scared me. The Olivia I know and love never leaves work when she's feeling sick. The Olivia I know has to be dragged out of the precinct by me. But I came here because I love you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

Olivia watched Elliot as he spoke. She couldn't believe that she was actually considering leaving this man. She never realized how much he loved her. All of a sudden the shrill ring of Elliot's phone made both jump. Elliot fumbled in his pocket for it and answered. "Stabler"

"Hey Elliot, It's Cragen. How's Olivia? You've been gone for a long time and I was getting worried."

"Everything's ok, Cap. Everything's going to be just fine. we'll be back in tomorrow." he said as he smiled and tightened his grasp on Olivia.

Elliot and Cragen hung up and Olivia settled into a comfortable position on Elliot. Together they fell asleep on the couch. They both knew it was a long road but they had each other and that was all that mattered.


End file.
